Okay, here we go. Updates. After 13 amazing years at Maine Medical Center, I changed carreers. I never thought I was brave enough, but so far so good and I'm embracing the change whole hartedely (and learning a ton along the way). Thank you to all who have supported me and believed in me during this transition, and I promise that now that I am settled in there will be more posts!
Let's talk about where this year has gone!!! HOLY SHIT! IT WAS JUST JANUARY!!!! All of a sudden I am texting with my mother non-stop planning Thanksgiving dinner (which I have been nominated to host.) Thanksgiving in America is confusing to me in so many ways. The turkey, the gluttonous indulgence of food, the shopping, football, the thankful lists that are posted on Social media.
First, let's get something straight, I HATE TURKEY!!! You can brine it, soak it, marinate it, dump wine on it or soak it in bacon grease and lard and it's still dry and bland. Those of you who know me can confirm that I am a decent cook, but I don't care if you are the love child of Bobby Flay and Paula Dean........TURKEY SUCKS!!!!!! I wanted to do something more non-traditional this year.....like ethnic dishes from around the globe. But my Italian Catholic mother informed me that we would be having goddamn turkey and all of the fixings.
Our texts looked something like this:
ME: I WANT MEXICAN FOOD LIKE MY FRIEND IS DOING. LET'S HAVE TACOS AND MARGARITAS. OR CHINESE. CHINESE IS ALWAYS GOOD. OR PIZZA.
MOTHER: (spoken in half Portland half Boston Italian woman accent) DAN, I DON'T THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. THE KIDS NEED TRADITION. WE NEED TO HAVE TURKEY
ME: UGHHHHH I HATE TURKEY, I HATE COOKING IT AND I HATE CLEANING UP AFTER IT. PLEASE DON'T FORGET THE TURKEY BRINING INCIDENT 3 YEARS AGO.
MOM: DAN, WE'RE HAVING TURKEY. AND SQUASH. AND STUFFING. AND DINNER ROLLS, WE HAVE TO HAVE DINNER ROLLS. AND POTATOS. AND GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE. SQUASH? PEAS? BRUSSELS SPROUTS ROASTED WITH SQUASH AND LITTLE NUTS AND CRANBERRIES. DO,YOU KNOW HOW TO SET A TABLE? DON'T USE PAPER PLATES LIKE YOU DID BEFORE, THAT'S TACKY. DO YOU HAVE A TABLE CLOTH? YOU KNOW DAN, INSTEAD OF BUYING CLOTHES AND SHIT FOR THE KIDS, YOU REALLY SHOULD HAVE A TABLE CLOTH AND SOME LINEN NAPKINS. WHAT KIND OF PIE. ..................
ME: (RADIO SILENCE, CRICKETS CHIRPING)
MOM: DAN!!!!! ANSWER ME!!!!!!
ME: (UNABLE TO FIGHT THE INEVITABLE BECAUSE THERE IS NO GETTING HER BACK AT THIS POINT) FUCKING FINE. I'LL MAKE TURKEY, BUT IT'S GOING TO SUCK AND I HATE TURKEY FOR THE RECORD. ALSO, I WILL NEVER OWN A LINEN NAPKIN.
Hopefully I will manage to drink enough wine to look past the mess that is inevitable and get my ass out to the Maine Mall for some good old fashioned Black FRIDAY shopping.
This brings me to my next discussion......BLACK FRIDAY. It is basically everything that is wrong with America. After we GORGE ourselves on an abundance of easily obtained food, we will sit and complain that we ate too much whilst there are enough leftovers to provide 10 families with food for the entire month. While we are digesting, we will sit and look through the millions of fliers and decide what frivolous purchases we
Next up, the "thankful for" lists. All month, people have been posting on Social Media what they are Thankful for. Most people's lists look like this:
DAY 1: Thankful for small miracles
DAY 2:Thankful for my amazing friends
DAY 3:Thankful for my children.
I'm pretty sure my list would read:
DAY 1: Thankful I didn't slap the bitch giving me dirty looks in Starbucks while I was ordering my super grande fat free skim mocha Chai pumpkin gingerbread latte with stevia.
DAY 2:Thankful for Netflix so I can binge watch Grey's Anatomy and drown out the sounds of my arguing children
DAY 3:Thankful my shellac didn't chip while cleaning the toilet.
Whelp. I guess this is why I don't do a list, I'm too brutally honest. In lieu of all of the tragedy in the world, I am thankful for the small things, like simply being alive. We are all on borrowed time, so slow down, take a breath and look around at all that you have, because things can change in the blink of an eye. While this post is lighthearted and funny because laughter is hands-down the best medicine, please don'the forget about what is TRULY IMPORTANT!!!!!!!! Help someone in need this holiday season, even if it's just giving someone a compliment or a hug, because in the end, there is still more good in this world and we need to shout it louder than the bad.
Until the next time, peace, love and caffeine. I need to start stretching for the Black Friday Olympics ;)
