Goodwill By the Pound and the Absolute Decline in Humanity

There is something about people in the state of Maine and the absolute need for bargain shopping, resulting in people bragging about their stated bargains for days months.  Katelyn and I are guilty of this habit.  We have officially deemed our one Saturday a month that we get together with our Mother "Sale Saturday."  In a nutshell, this day involves the 3 of us running around from bargain store to bargain store, stopping only long enough to shove some food in our faces and moving along to the next stop.  The children are all melting down, and we proceed to keep feeding them so they stay quiet long enough to get through the next stop.  If you ask me, its a win-win situation.  We all EASILY get in out recommended 10,000 steps for the day, and the kids collapse from exhaustion and fall asleep at 7:30 PM.

Now that you know how "Sale Saturday" works, let's talk about my most FAVORITE of all of the bargain destinations, Goodwill By The Pound (GWBTP is our abbreviation because I'm frigging lazy as hell).  If you don't know what this is, you can watch my favorite Ginger rapper  Macklemore explain  here.  Even if you are familiar with the song (how could you not be???), watch the video and pay special attention at 1:25 mark.  There they are, the sweet  sweet magic-filled bins of GWBTP.  Although the people are much classier in his video you get the idea!  It's prettymuch IS the best place on this earth if you don't go when you're hungry, tired or pre-menstrual.  Pregnant people should probably stay clear as well.

Please let me warn you, this activity is NOT for the faint of heart.  Picture a giant warehouse, freezing in the winter (until you start sprinting like a goddamn maniac for a used fucking sweater) and stifling HOT in the summertime (with the smell of fresh armpits all around) filled with GIANT plastic bins full of shit.  What you do is basically throw elbows until you can get a good rummaging spot, then you fucking dig in.......like a caveman.  You could be the classiest, most well-educated person on the planet, and once your little hands hit those bins you will be swearing like a pirate and threatening old ladies for the wooden shelf they just put out that you HAVE to have!! People take this shit seriously (Katelyn and I included.) We have a system, that involves having my children SPRINT to the bins and grab whatever could potentially be awesome while we weave our way through the chaos. This plan is fucking brilliant because of  2 reasons.  My children are quick little hobbits that can duck and run like lightning and are super well trained to grab awesome shit.  The second reason is, for the most part (there are always a few exceptions, I'll get into that in a sec) people are nice to children and won't grab shit out of their hands because *YES* that does happen.  Like I said... CAVEMEN!!!!!

Next, my 2 little ginger children come and find us at the cart and unload their little arms, getting ready for the next load.  By this point, the little ones have grabbed all of the good big stuff like toys and housewares, and Katelyn and I have weaseled our way into a spot around the table and we are rummaging through damp, moldy clothes.  Beware of the thong underwear and multiple size 54 FFF bras that are inevitably in the bottom of the bins.  You can wear gloves if you want, but we don't have time to be pussies, so we just dig in.  Our overly-worried Italian mother often wonders what happen if we cut our selves or get jabbed with a needle.  Dear sweet mother, what the frig do you think the paper-thin rubber gloves are going to do to save us??  Please be assured that none of the stuff at our GWBTP comes directly from any one's home (I'm not sure where others get their crap from).  It is stuff that has maxed-out it's shelf life at other stores and has moved on in life to be sold in bulk.  So if you are wiggy about bugs, lice and needles, I think you're safe.

Okay, so you make your way through the bins, pick out all of your treasures, think you're done, and THEN THE FUCKING FOG HORN GOES OFF!!!!!!  Lemme tell you, any experienced GWBTP shopper that this means that nothing but awesomness is ahead.  At this time, the shoppers all have to crowd behind a red line, and the workers remove all of the bins and refill them!!!!!!!  They bring the bins out one by one, and the cavemen are literally foaming at the mouth in anticipation of all of the sweet deals that lie ahead!!!  Nobody is allowed to leave the red line until the last bin is brought out and the whistle is blown.  After that, it's ALL OVER.  Literally a stampede happens.  Like I'm talking 60 year old women who haven't seen a gym in 30 years are Olympic sprinting to get the used cat-scratcher and the decorative fan for their bathroom wall.  And don't let the intoxicated people fool you.......They can move.  One minute you're kindly helping them stay standing and the next minute they are head first in a bin!!! 

Moving on, now that we're CONFIDENT you have a good idea what GWBTP shopping entails, let's talk about all  How to deal with  the ASSHOLES that also enjoy this as a pass-time.  Some people are worse than Cavemen. These are the ones that WILL STEAL FROM A CHILD.  They swear, they yell, and if you're lucky enough , they SWAN-DIVE INTO THE GODDAMN BIN WITH THEIR ASS-CRACK FULL ON OUT!!  Seriously, it's totally crazy what some people will do for a bargain!!!!!!!  It is within the first 5 minutes of the changing of the bins that you will encounter this bull shit behavior.  This leaves us with a few choices in dealing with them.  I have personally tried out all of these techniques and I have yet to establish a favorite.  Katelyn is much more Mild-mannered than I am and doesn't get as fired up, so I'm speaking for myself here.

Technique 1:  (this one is ONLY to be used if you have broken the rule and gone to GWBTP pre-menstrual!!) Stoop to their level and yell right back at them.  Let me give you a scenario:
Me: (grabbing a sweater)
Caveman: "I saw that first motherfucker!!"
Me:"Well now you're seeing it second BEOTCH!!" (smirks, grabs it, and puts it in the cart)
(I told you, it brings out the absolute worst in people)

Technique 2: Follow them around the store like a CREEPER and glare at them with crazy eyes. If you really feel like fucking with them, giggle uncontrollably while looking at them and glance in their cart like you're going to steal something from it. 

Technique 3: Yell passive-aggressive comments at them when-ever you can, but don't actually approach the issue head on.

Technique 4: Ignore them completely (definitely MY least favorite!!!)

Okay, so after reading this, I'm sure many of you are wondering WHY THE FRIG WE DO THIS??!!  It's because PEOPLE THROW AWAY GOOD SHIT. Bottom line.  I've gotten name-brand clothes (like J. Crew, Citizens of Humanity, Free People, and L.L Bean) and name-brand stuff for the kids too!!  Katelyn has gotten about $ 100.00 worth of WORKING baby toys for about $5.00 (think Leap Frog). We have both gotten countless amounts of awesome home decorations.  I got a fucking $1500.00 fully functioning Miele vacuum for .99 cents!!!  I've named her Hillary and she has completed my life.  It's cheap as HELL, and if you're on a budget but love to shop you can literally get a full carriage of stuff for around 20 bucks.  I mean, who doesn't want to do that???

So everyone can keep their Nordstrom, J. Crew, Banana Republic and Pottery Barn.  We'll be at the Goodwill throwing elbows with the drunks for the next bin of amazing crap!!!!!

Until next time........ Peace, Love and Caffeine!!